Today’s Mill has its head in the clouds

Some years ago research carried out by unlicensed Chinese neurologists on a sample group of 5,000 men with internet access and a large comic book collection that they keep in little plastic sleeves and occasionally brood over concluded that, when most people picture The Mill, the image that springs into their mind is either:

(a) a pleasantly shuttered, Flemish-style clapboard and oak-beamed structure on a slight incline, set against a cloudless sky in fine, rolling countryside which, pushing open its heavy front door, turns out to be operated entirely by very small, frightening pig-faced men; or

(b) an overheated strobe-lit basement down a narrow hidden staircase that smells overpoweringly of meat and where the door seems to vanish as soon as it slams shut behind you and a peculiar gurgling, thrashing, chugging noise is coming from inside a studded, leather-upholstered ante-room and something is suddenly moving in the corner of your eye before, all at once, everything goes dark.

Which is strange, because in the Mill’s own mind it is a beautiful place that exists in the sky, perhaps in the first-class section of a prestigious aeroplane. A place where a smiling teenage Brazilian is constantly going somewhere, perpetually excited, always linked, continually a whizz, a picture only partially clouded by the lingering stench of something that might be, and then might not be, Harry Redknapp’s distinctive gentleman’s cologne.

Which is, by coincidence, pretty much exactly what’s going on in this morning’s Daily Mirror. There’s a picture of the Internacional starlet Sandro Ranieri (which is Portuguese for “Sandra Redknapp”) preparing himself for his £6m summer move to Tottenham by reading an English dictionary.

“I need to be prepared for my new challenge in Europe,” he said, spending 20 minutes frowning over the word “aardvark”.

West Ham are planning a sensational triple swoop on Birmingham. Liam Ridgewell and Sebastian Larsson may be available on the cheap. Christian Benítez, who runs a lot and tries very hard but rarely scores goals, is available for £7m.

Roma are dead serious about signing the quivering Arsenal defensive diva William Gallas. Their sporting director Daniele Prade attempted to “thrash out” a deal after the victory over Porto.

Harry Redknapp is frantically trying to find a club in Belgium to loan his new Zambian left-back. Emmanuel Mbola has somehow signed for Spurs even though we’re not in the transfer window. “Spurs liked me a lot but there is contract confusion with my Armenian club and my agent,” Mbola shrugged yesterday, pretty much clearing all that up then. Celtic and Rangers both want Arsenal striker “Oh” Jay Simpson, currently on loan at QPR.

In the Daily Mail delicious pigs-ear-in-mushroom-pastry-parcel dish Wellington Silva is all set to sign for Arsenal, although Fluminense want to keep the 17-year-old, who has only just got into the first team, until 2012. Wellington has agreed a £3.5m move but can’t be registered until after his 18th birthday. “We are working on a way to make it happen,” emoted leg-warmered Fluminense vice-president Alcides Antunes, dancing on top of a car.

Chelsea have opened talks with Nicolas Anelka over paying him an extra £40,000 a year until 2013. Talks The Mill imagines will be over very quickly and simply involve him muttering the word “yes”. This means they have to get rid of increasingly peripheral ageing wing-jink prodigy Joe Cole.

In The Sun David Beckham “wore the green and gold” on his return to Old Trafford. “I did it as I’m a United fan, always will be,” he said, before stopping off in Hertfordshire and Essex on his way to the airport. Portsmouth have sacked 85 staff who have nothing to do with the club going bust. Peter Storrie is still being paid £10,000 a week.

And Sol Campbell, 49, is “chasing” an England recall, presumably very slowly in a pair of XXXL shorts, waggling his elbows about a lot before eventually falling over. “You never know. I might get a sniff if I keep on playing. Why not?” he asked, putting his hands over his ears and walking off before you can answer.

Surprisingly good American Landon Donovan will play his final game for Everton on Saturday. LA Galaxy’s manager, Bruce Arena, who either does everything in US football, or is one of several men also called “Bruce Arena”, said: “Landon will be back on March 15.” Just like that. Not March the 15th. “March 15.”

And on Goal.com The Houston Dynamo have signed Francisco Navas Cobo from the Dynamo Academy. A man called James Clarkson, who presumably has both long, girly hair and horrible baggy stone-washed jeans said: “To have a successful Academy, you need talent and opportunity. In Francisco Navas Cobo, we have talent, and through Dominic Kinnear’s vision and support of the Dynamo Academy, we’ve been able to provide opportunity to Francisco and the other young men in our development system.”

Which The Mill has now written on its hand and will be repeating like a personal mantra as it attempts to struggle tearfully through the rest of the day.

Tottenham HotspurHarry RedknappRomaArsenalBirmingham CityWest Ham UnitedChelseaBarney Ronayguardian.co.uk

Liquid football at Aston Villa, meltdown at Portsmouth and time for Gary Megson to look away as the season reaches the halfway point

Arsenal, 3rd, Bernard Azulay, GoonersDiary.blogspot.com

Expectations were inflated by an early-season glut of goals until Chelsea and injuries burst our bubble. But given that we were tipped as the team most likely to fall off our top-four perch, we can’t complain.

Star man and biggest underperformer? Alex Song and Tommie the Tank Vermaelen have been great, and Arshavin and Eduardo are bearing the goalscoring burden. No flops.

Happy with the gaffer? Many feel the big-eared European prize offers Arsène the best chance of glory. But whatever this season has in store, it’ll be one hell of an entertaining ride.

Who should he sign? I won’t be holding my breath, but an old-fashioned No9, a dominant keeper, and unless Diaby is going to do the business, a forceful personality to grab tight games by the scruff of the neck.

Latest links: Marouane Chamakh (Bordeaux, striker); Giampaolo Pazzini (Sampdoria, striker)

Aston Villa, 4th, Jonathan Pritchard, Observer reader

Something has really clicked. Reintroducing a fired-up Heskey, getting Downing fit and moving Milner into a central role have galvanised us. This new attacking potency, on top of an already very solid back four, has made it easy to dream of a top-four finish. We’ve a much stronger squad than last year and there’s no European distraction. Someone put me in a darkened room: I’m almost bullish.

Star man and biggest underperformer? Milner, Gabby, Dunne, Cuellar … I could go on. Sidwell is the only disappointment.

Happy with the gaffer? The way he sends out his teams ready to die for the club makes him a Holte End darling right now.

Who should he sign? We desperately need cover for Agbonlahor: a cheeky bid for a disaffected Bellamy might work?

Latest links: “I don’t see us signing anyone unless somebody leaves,” says Martin O’Neill .

Birmingham 8th, Kym Ypres-Smith, SmallHeathAlliance.com

It’s a marathon not a sprint, blah, blah… but so far it’s well exceeding expectations. To have 24 points by this stage is nearly Bluenose Heaven. There’s a long way to go and a whole transfer window to negotiate, but I’m cautiously optimistic.

Star man and biggest underperformer? Best: Stephen Carr, Roger Johnson, Scott Dann, Barry Ferguson and Lee Bowyer – the bad boy turned good. As for the worst: Cameron Jerome is often a banjo frantically looking for a cow’s backside.

Happy with the gaffer? Fantastically. There was whingeing about 4-5-1 at the start of the season, but we had a lot of injuries.

Latest links: Graham Dorrans (West Brom, midfield); Jan Novak (Kosice, striker); Giles Barnes (free agent, midfield).

Bolton, 18th, Shaun O’Gara, Supporters’ Club

Inconsistent performances, rumours of dressing-room unrest: it’s a very unhappy ship. We’re lacking in real quality – crying out for the likes of Okocha, Djorkaeff , Hierro, Campo, Diouf, Anelka and Stelios .

Star man and biggest underperformer? Gary Cahill, Lee Chung-yong and Ivan Klasnic have impressed. The worst? Taylor, Muamba, Knight, Robinson, Ricketts…

Happy with the gaffer? When he arrived we were in the bottom three fighting relegation. Two years and £40m later, we’re still there, with a far weaker squad. Our most unpopular manager since Phil Neal.

Who should he sign? A creative midfielder, an experienced centre-back, two full-backs, and Klasnic on a full-time deal.

Latest links: Matthew Kilgallon (Sheffield Utd, defender; Benjani (Man City, striker); Victor Moses (C Palace, winger).

Burnley, 13th, Jamie Smith, Observer reader

We’re still pinching ourselves at being in the division. Some of our defending hasn’t been good enough and we don’t seem to be learning from our mistakes, but we’re just delighted to be involved. I only hope we don’t “do a Hull” and freefall in the New Year.

Star man and biggest underperformer? The best: Tyrone Mears, Steven Fletcher and Stephen Jordan. Captain Steven Caldwell has struggled more than most to adapt, and some hairy moments from our goalkeeper Brian Jensen have cost us. Andre Bikey’s inconsistency is frustrating.

Happy with the gaffer? It’s been a steep learning curve for Owen Coyle and at times our attacking mentality has seemed naive. But we’re just hugely grateful for what he’s done: we hope he’ll be here for many years.

Who should he sign? An experienced centre-back. I’d also like a left-winger, and to see David Nugent’s loan extended.

Latest links: Jack Wilshere (Arsenal, midfield, loan); Matthew Kilgallon (Sheff Utd, defender); David Nugent (Portsmouth striker, permanent deal).

Chelsea, 1st, Karen Childs, Observer reader

A brilliant start, but it’s turning into a bumpy ride. The high point was the convincing victory at the Emirates; but then there was the defeat at Man City and our shocking defensive display at home to Apoel. But we’ve been given the ultimate Christmas gift: the draw against Inter. It’ll be a corker.

Star man and biggest underperformer? No flops. Drogba, Anelka and both Coles have all impressed so far.

Happy with the gaffer? We’re not chanting his name yet. He’s hard to read: disgruntled and grumpy, and that’s on a good day.

Who should he sign? David Villa.

Latest links: Angel Di María (Benfica, winger); Luís Fabiano (Sevilla, striker). But Carlo Ancelotti says he will “run around naked in the snow” if Chelsea sign a new forward.

Everton, 14th, Dave Anderson, Observer reader

We’ve again been torn apart by injuries, and the delays and confusion over the ground move have held us back. In that context, it’s easy to see why we’re struggling. We’ve had some really shocking results, though.

Star man and biggest underperformer? The Yobo/Distin partnership is totally chaotic. Cahill and Fellaini are struggling too. We badly, badly miss Mikel Arteta.

Happy with the gaffer? Wouldn’t have anyone else. He’s battling on.

Who should he sign? If some money turns up from somewhere, a creative midfielder, a centre-back (Lescott?), and a striker.

Latest links: Graham Dorrans (West Brom, midfield); Nicolai Larsen (Lyngby, gk – on trial); Ivan Rakitic (Schalke, midfield).

Fulham, 9th, David Lloyd, There’s Only One F In Fulham

It’s warming up nicely! Beating Liverpool and Man United on merit is a clear indication of real progress, and our top 10 spot suggests Premier League durability. And still being in the Europa League is a well-deserved bonus.

Star man and biggest underperformer? I guess we’ve seen the best and worst of Zamora, but, like others, he’s worked tirelessly and the goals are flowing – so he can justly give it back to the critical minority.

Happy with the gaffer? Sir Roy? Yes. A club like ours can’t aim for overnight world domination, but it can target steady improvement and then reap the benefit. Our eloquent gaffer has us all believing that the upward curve can be maintained. He’s improving our vocabularies, too.

Who should he sign? A fit striker to support/cover Big Bob.

Latest links: Therry Racon (Charlton, midfield); Victor Moses (Crystal Palace); Coulibaly Kafoumba (Nice, midfield).

Hull, 19th, Rick Skelton, HullCityOnline.com

So far, it’s what we expected. I didn’t think we’d make a dent on the top half but didn’t feel we’d be cast adrift either. We’ve done fine for the most part, and could stay up.

Star man and biggest underperformer? Jimmy Bullard has been the star, obviously, but Stephen Hunt has settled in nicely too and Kamikaze Kamil Zayatte continues to impress. Dean Marney looks worse by the week, though. Very few of our summer signings have made an impression.

Happy with the gaffer? He struggles on.

Who should he sign? We could do with a pair of full-backs, an all-action midfielder, a right-winger and a strike force. On a budget of next to nothing, that’s going to be difficult.

Latest links: Matthew Kilgallon (Sheff Utd, defender); Sol Campbell (free agent, defender). Chairman says focus is on selling players, not buying.

Liverpool, 7th, Steph Jones, Observer reader

So far, so grim. No one wanted last season to end, then this one started badly and has gone downhill since. The owners failed to invest as promised, and early defeats and injuries added to growing unrest.

Star man and biggest underperformer? A hard one. No one has been on top form for more than a game or two.

Happy with the gaffer? Benítez “gets” LFC: he’s building for the future and trying to win the title with no money. But in today’s game, he’ll probably be hounded out of the club he loves.

Who should he sign? We’re stuck until Hicks and Gillett go, and they should take the phone-in, Sky-generation fans who do nothing but berate the club with them. Of course we need a couple of new players, but we’ve got as much chance of that as we have of winning the league this season.

Latest links: Bruno Ecuele Manga (Angers, defender); Victor Moses (C Palace, winger); Erik Huseklepp (SK Brann, striker).

Manchester City, 6th, Robert O’Brien, Observer reader

A mixed bag: we’re electric going forward and terrible at the back. The formation Hughes played allowed teams to get at us.

Star man and biggest underperformer? The star: Tevez, for his direct swashbuckling style. The underperformer: Garry Cook – a disgraceful handling of Hughes’s departure.

Happy with the gaffer? Hughes was never the right man. It was nothing to do with overinflated expectations – he just wasn’t a good manager. Poor formations, poor team selections and failure to engage with star players: that’s his legacy. Mancini is ticking all the boxes. A maverick, an entertainer: something we’ve always appreciated at City.

Who should he sign? No one. We have a fine squad. We just need to tighten the defence.

Latest links: Maicon (defender), Mario Balotelli (striker, both Inter), ); Angel Di María (Benfica, winger).

Manchester United, 2nd, Shaun O’Donnell, Observer reader

It’s been good overall – the Fulham result was down to our threadbare defence, but we’re within touching distance of the top. I still feel we’ll push on and claim a record fourth consecutive title. The best bit so far: beating City at our place. The worst: being beaten by an average Liverpool team.

Star man and biggest underperformer? Stars: Patrice Evra – he plays every game as if it’s his last. And Darren Fletcher has forced one of the biggest reversals of fan opinion anyone can remember. The worst, sadly, is Nani.

Happy with the gaffer? To be where we are despite the injuries is good, but we’ve lost five matches: things feel a bit too fragile.

Latest links: David Silva (Valencia, striker – post-World Cup deal more likely); Luís Fabiano (Sevilla, striker); Franck Ribéry (Bayern, midfield); Hatem Ben Arfa (Lyon, winger).

Portsmouth, 20th, Colin Farmery, Pompey-Fans.com

Where do I start? A total disaster. The annoying thing is that our meltdown has come in a year when the Premier League isn’t exactly packed with quality opposition.

Star man and biggest underperformer? Younes Kaboul has shown admirable, if at times reckless, leadership qualities and popped up with a few goals too. Aaron Mokoena has, let’s say, struggled to adapt…

Happy with the gaffer? They say it’s better to be a lucky manager than a good one. On the evidence so far, Avram is certainly the former. The latter remains to be seen. Paul Hart was neither.

Who should he sign? What do we need in January? A miracle, please.

Latest links: Miguel Vítor (Benfica, defender, loan). Club have attacked “malicious rumours” of a January fire sale: “The new owner will invest.”

Stoke, 11th, Robert Holloway, Observer reader

It’s been a stop-start first half of the season. Winning at Spurs will go down in Potters folklore, but inept performances against Man Utd, Wolves, Hull and Portsmouth (twice) leave a bitter taste…

Star man and biggest underperformer? Robert Huth has settled in well and turned in a string of excellent performances.Mentions also to Shawcross, Etherington and Wilkinson – but Whelan, Whitehead and Delap have yet to find their feet.

Happy with the gaffer? His reluctance to play Tuncay until recently, infrequently using Liam Lawrence, a well-publicised battle with James Beattie, over-relying on unfit Rory Delap and playing the ineffective Dean Whitehead have us concerned.

Who should he sign? A striker (Kenwyne Jones) and a central midfielder (Scott Parker).

Latest links: Graham Dorrans (West Brom, winger); Federico Nieto (Colón de Santa Fe, striker); Landry N’Guémo (Celtic, midfield).

Sunderland, 10th, Pete Sixsmith, SalutSunderland.com

August, September, October – really encouraging, good football, good results and a misty dream of breaking into the top six. November and December – the ghosts of McCarthy and Sbragia start to appear, as we begin our annual slide down the table.

Star man and biggest underperformer? Bent, Cana and Cattermole have impressed, Gordon has begun to look like a top-class keeper, and Reid’s weight loss has made him a regular. On the other hand, Campbell has yet to look a top-flight player and McCartney has proved the old maxim: “never go back”.

Happy with the gaffer? Steve Bruce will be a success, but there are times when he’s a little one-dimensional.

Who should he sign? We need two full-backs who can tackle, pass, support the wide midfielders and not get caught out of position.

Latest links: Graham Dorrans (West Brom, winger); Maynor Figueroa (Wigan, defender); Victor Moses (C Palace, winger).

Tottenham, 5th, Dave Mason, Observer reader

The usual Spurs paradoxes: go to Villa and Everton, play them off the park yet not win; lose at home to Wolves and Stoke, yet be in contention for a Champions League place. I’ve seen some of the best displays for years, and yet also watched as we shrivelled up like a salted snail at Old Trafford.

Star man and biggest underperformer? When Huddlestone can play at his own pace his touch and passing are sublime; but against the good teams he becomes Two-Ton Tommy, the oh-so Credible Hulk.

Happy with the gaffer? Yes. And he handled the “Beano with Keano” affair well.

Who should he sign? King and Woodgate don’t seem to be good long-term prospects: a central defender would help.

Latest links: Maynor Figueroa (Wigan, defender); Nikola Zigic (Valencia, striker); Asier Riesgo (Real Sociedad, gk – has been on trial at Spurs, but Sociedad says they are yet to receive an offer).

West Ham, 17th, Pete May, hammersintheheart.blogspot.com

We’ve had some decent displays against the bigger teams, but we’ve shown a terrible inability to keep a lead. It’s been grim all round: Davenport’s stabbing, the Millwall trouble, the debt, selling James Collins, letting Lucas Neill go with no replacement…

Star man and biggest underperformer? Scott Parker, Carlton Cole, Diamanti and young Zavon Hines have impressed; Kovac, Spector and Faubert have not.

Happy with the gaffer? Zola’s commitment to good football is admirable but we need more passion and defensive organisation.

Who should he sign? We don’t need anything much in January. Just a new owner, a right-back, a centre-back, a midfield enforcer and a striker. And for Zola to refuse to take all calls relating to Parker, Upson, Cole and Green.

Latest links: Adriano (Flamengo, striker – agent says a number of European clubs have made approaches); Alan Hutton (Tottenham, defender).

Wigan, 16th, Dave Whalley, Observer reader

We’re brilliantly consistent at being inconsistent: outstanding wins against Villa and Chelsea, plus batterings at Portsmouth and (ouch) Spurs. In fairness this was always going to be a transitional season so still to be in the Premier League next season has to be the first and main target.

Star man and biggest underperformer? Best: Mohamed Diamé has made a great start, Charles N’Zogbia is showing why he’s so highly-rated, Hugo Rodallega has improved since last term and Paul Scharner is revelling in his attacking midfield role. Worst: Jordi Gómez and Jason Scotland.

Happy with the gaffer? Roberto’s liking for total football all over the pitch leads to some scary moments, but he’s still adapting.

Who should he sign? A striker or two, plus a right-back and left-back to add depth.

Latest links: Matthew Kilgallon (Sheff Utd, defender); Waldo Ponce (Velez Sarsfield, defender); Sol Campbell (free agent, defender); Michael Ball (free agent, defender).

Wolves, 15th, Arthur Williams, North West Wolves Supporters’ Club

There’ll be Tidings of Comfort and Joy for Wolves fans: the ultimate present of not being cursed with being bottom at Christmas. Three wins from the last four games mean that we have five more points than we did the last time we were in this league on Christmas day.

Star man and biggest underperformer? I can’t label anyone from our team of triers as the worst performer, but I don’t think anyone will argue against me saying that Jody, walking in his own Craddock Wonderland, has been top of the pile.

Happy with the gaffer? Old Trafford aside, I haven’t had a great deal to complain about, but Super Mick in his own inimitable style has given us the chance to “dream the impossible dream” of survival come May 2010.

Who should he sign? James Beattie might be up for a move after recent events: him, a couple of full-backs and two wingers would do for me.

Latest links: Paul Baysse (Sedan, defender); Rob Hulse (Derby, striker); James Beattie (Stoke, striker).

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