Today’s fluff is a dormant volcano

The Mill made a brief stop at an airport yesterday, a strangely post-apocalyptic experience with shops abandoned, barely a person in sight and an eerie silence sitting like a duck-down duvet on the whole scene. It’s not dissimilar to the sight of this morning’s tabloids for anyone on the hunt for a decent bit of tittle-tattle, although fortunately the Mill’s European friends have come up trumps.

Italy’s Tuttosport, for example, reckons Juventus are preparing an audacious bid for Manchester United’s Nemanja Vidic. The Turin giants have forced Gianluigi Buffon into a spangly suit and told him to fan himself with £15m in used notes in an attempt to persuade United to part with their Serbian defender.

Meanwhile Spanish newspaper Sport reckon the Barcelona president, Joan Laporta, has met Arsenal’s Cesc Fábregas in Morocco to enjoy the sunshine, share a lamb tagine and thrash out a deal for the midfielder’s summer move to the Camp Nou. Arsenal will attempt to fill the diminutive-schemer-shaped hole by moving for Juve’s lanky roving midfield roadblock Felipe Melo.

The rest is as unlikely as it is scarce. Rafa Benítez will shore up his leaky Liverpool defence with the signing of West Ham’s Matthew Upson, while Manchester City are mulling over a double swoop for Benfica’s Oscar Cardozo and Angel Di María.

Steven Pienaar (lauded over the weekend by Paul Merson, by the way, who gushed: “This lad could play for Arsenal” as if that was the highest possible honour one could bestow on a player) is a £14m target for Harry Redknapp and Tottenham.

And in more mundane but at least vaguely realistic rumour news Sunderland want Sebastian Larsson from Birmingham and Ipswich fancy £1m-rated Scunthorpe striker Gary Hooper.

Manchester UnitedJuventusLiverpoolWest Ham UnitedArsenalBarcelonaTottenham HotspurEvertonJohn Ashdownguardian.co.uk

Today’s steam is gas

So, well, it happened like this, your honour. Having swanked it up for years on the gains of easy hearsay, the Mill was on the prowl for a new opportunity. We’re reaching peak gossip, see, and there’s no time like the last minute to start thinking about diversification. Medicine seemed a good bet. Folks are always hurting themselves. Or someone else. And, well, we heard about that woman Robin van Persie went to see in Serbia, you know, the one who massages placenta fluid into injured limbs. And the Mill thought that would be a cracking service to offer right here in Blighty, saving poorer people from having to find funds for a trip to Belgrade. And, well, we just sort of figured that placenta in this case was pretty much the same as placebo so, you know, any body fluid would do. And one thing led to another and, as you say, we ended up charging over £2,000 to spray a quantity of Exhibit A into the plaintiff’s face. The outcome may have appeared somewhat grubby but, sincerely your honour, the motivation was really quite salubrious.

There you go, readers. There’s nothing like being prepared and the Mill, as you can see, already has its defence sorted. The same can’t be said for Tottenham Hotspur, of course. Harry Redknapp’s attempt to put Spurs on a par with Αnorthosis Famagusta in terms of Champions League appearances is being hampered not just by regular injuries to Jonathan Woodgate and Ledley King but now also by Carlo Cudicini’s woes. Happily, Harry has a cunning two-part solution. Step 1: Nip back to Upton Park and get him in his old club’s bad books by making off with Matthew Upson. Step 2: Get himself in Sir Alex Ferguson’s good books by paying £7m for Ben Foster.

January is set to be a good month for Ferguson, off the pitch at least, because Fiorentina are on their way to Manchester with an offer to take Nani off to Italy, first on a loan deal and then permanently. The lolly United receive from those two deals will be re-invested in spanking new cars for each of the Glaze Danish centreback Simon Kjaer, currently earning a living at Palermo.

Liverpool will have money to spend too, provided that between now and January some wise person does accede to the board of Barcelona and torpedo plans to give Rafa Benítez £20m plus Yaya Touré in return for Javier Mascherano. If that insane deal is done, Benítez will celebrate by splurging on either Carlton Cole or – you’ll like this – Bobby Zamora. As Fernando Torres tires to put a brave face on that set-back, he might not be able to stop himself from casting envious looks over at Chelsea, who will be laying out the welcome mat for David Villa.

Want to have your say on today’s piffle? You know the drill …

Tottenham HotspurWest Ham UnitedManchester UnitedLiverpoolChelseaPaul Doyleguardian.co.uk