Today’s hooey knows who rules if you listen to fools

First Gianfranco Zola is sacked, then Ronnie James Dio gets summoned by the unholy sorcerer in the sky – truly, this has been a foul few weeks for giant men with little bodies. Shaun Wright-Phillips may not fit into that category but he does fall into this one: Manchester City wingers who are not thought to have much of a future at Eastlands and may find themselves sitting down soon to discuss a move to Newcastle. It’s quite a lonely category, in fairness.

Still, it’s better to be alone than in bad company, as the Mill’s mum says whenever she catches us consorting with spivs and floozies and journalists and all the other loquacious lowlife who keep us supplied with the guff you read here and doubt on a daily basis. Sir Alex Ferguson wants to improve the calibre of person, or at least of player, that he hangs out with and aims to do so by adding a £38m debit to Manchester United’s balance sheet in order to sign Argentinian trickster Angel di Maria from Benfica. The Daily Mirror tells us that the Scot also intends splurging £35m on Ajax’s Luis Suarez. That may sound like an unfeasibly large spending spree for a club whose debts are so heavy the dear-departed Dio could have appeared on their soundtrack, but a lucrative exodus will help fund the swoops: out will go Ben Foster (Birmingham), Dimitar Berbatov (Bayern Munich, Hamburg, Milan, Sevilla, take your pick), Nani (Marseille, Benfica, Sunderland, Villarreal), Anderson (Benfica) and Darren Fletcher (Sunderland, Aston Villa, Newcastle).

That all sounds quite neat, eh? Ah, but that’s only if everything goes to United’s plan or, to be precise, only if United are not outbid for Di Maria by Manchester City, who will turn their attention to the Argentinian if they fail to nab Franck Ribery.

Liverpool are confident that City see no further use for Stephen Ireland but are growing increasingly concerned that Arsenal might, especially if Cesc Fabregas goes back to Barcelona. Arsene Wenger also plans to prise Jack Rodwell from Everton and Scott Parker from West Ham – and the latest goalkeeper to be linked with a move to the

Emirates is Mark Schwarzer. Every time you hear Gareth Southgate sounding reasonable from ITV’s gantry, balance that by remembering he is the man who let Schwarzer leave Middlesbrough for free.

Fulham are favourites to sign Carlton Cole from West Ham, who will replace him with Everton striker Yakubu. Meanwhile at Stoke, Tony Pulis will offload James Beattie on Coventry City and Dave Kitson on Wolves, then celebrate by recruiting England’s Emile Heskey.

Manchester CityManchester UnitedArsenalFulhamLiverpoolStoke CityWolverhampton WanderersWest Ham UnitedPaul Doyleguardian.co.uk

Today’s rumours are glad to have side-stepped Leap Year

The Mill has long been a big fan of the Heisenberg uncertainty principle, which states that by observing a shouty tabloid football story very closely and then trying to rope in an only partially understood quantum mechanics theory you end up perhaps not doing absolute justice to a lifetime of intense study conducted by an old, sad German man who deserves better. Or maybe it’s more along the lines that you change an object fundamentally just by observing it. Either way the Mill is this morning advancing its own uncertainty principal, which states that an object can be changed fundamentally just by being stared at, checked out and generally panted over by West Ham co-owners David Gold and David Sullivan.

Certainly something seems to have happened to West Ham, and all things related to West Ham, which have over the last few weeks turned first beige and then begun to wrinkle at the edges and also to smell strongly of some kind of latex-friendly ungent. In this morning’s Mirror, Gold and Sullivan have begun “eyeing up former Manchester City boss Mark Hughes”. Potentially-but-quite-unlikely from behind a hidden door in a basement, while disturbing muzak plays in the background. And if Hughes suddenly looks just a tiny bit more tarnished, spare a thought for poor old Gianfranco Zola. “Zola is aware of their liking for Hughes,” says the Mirror. Probably found some magazines, or a disturbing costume at the back of the wardrobe.

Also in The Mirror Cesc Fábregas’s embarrassing dad has “opened the door for negotiations” over a summer transfer saga. “If something has to happen – we will see at the end of the season. We would talk,” Cesc Fábregas senior told a radio station, before trying to steer the conversation on to why all modern music is “just noise”.

Barnsley are in talks with Malta international Daniel Bogdanovic about extending his contract. They’ve also signed tie-dyed Man City midfielder Kieran Trippier on a month’s loan. Sam Allardyce is after South Korea midfielder Ku Ja Cheol of Jeju United. And Marouane Chamakh is standing as an electoral candidate for the “MoDem” centrist party in local elections. Speaking at the launch of his campaign – and the Mill is not making this up – Chamakh said: “It’s true there are contacts with English clubs, including Arsenal.”

In the Sun, Sergio Agüero has put the “Prem on alert” by saying “I have enormous affection for Atlético but you cannot say I’ll be here for ever.” He also wants to become the best player in the world and outshine Lionel Messi at the World Cup. “It’ll be my first World Cup and, God willing, I’ll help Argentina reach the final. It’s important to have a dream,” he added, looking into the distance as the music begins to swell and setting off on an upbeat high-kicking dance routine.

Lothar Matthäus could become QPR’s 10th manager since embarrassing, blue-spectacled disco-dancing smoothie pensioner Flavio Briatore arrived at the club in 2007. Matthäus was sat with Briatore during the defeat by Ipswich.

Quirky Euro beauty Milan Jovanovic says he has already signed for Liverpool. “They’re one of the biggest teams around in Europe,” he said from the back of Bruce Willis’s space taxi. “They’re definitely among the 10 biggest sides,” he added, running out of fingers. And Owen Coyle is searching for “a miracle cure” for Gary Cahill’s blood clot.

In the Mail, Manchester City manager Roberto Mancini is “chasing” Fiorentina centre-back Alessandro Gamberini. Mancini sent scouts to watch Gamberini in Sunday’s 1-0 defeat by Roma. And bearded self-publicist Richard Branson could be interested in buying Crystal Palace, but only if he gets to dress up as a woman and then pick Simon Jordan up in his arms like a tiny rag doll and appear in the newspapers grinning horribly. “We are always happy to have a look but I think the chances are less likely than likely. If they are for sale, then we are always happy to have a look,” he said, confusing himself with two people.

CSKA Moscow winger Milos Krasic is about to sign for Liverpool, according to the Serbian newspaper Sportski zurnal via Goal.com. Krasic will cost £12m. And Franck Ribéry could be off to Juventus after he was invited to Fiat vice-president and club patron John Elkann’s 70th birthday party. A piece of logic that would mean Juventus also have to sign John Elkann’s neighbours who invited him to their party, some old friends of John Elkann’s who he doesn’t really like any more but feels he still has to invite and some people John Elkann doesn’t know that well and who will end up getting a bit too drunk and being rude about his CD collection.

West Ham UnitedBarney Ronayguardian.co.uk