Today’s rumours have done time
The Mill has never been one to point the finger. This is mainly because The Mill doesn’t actually have a finger, just a set of creaking and heavily-stained opposable pistons, which, for modesty’s sake, it usually keeps concealed beneath its floor-length nylon sports gown. The Mill sees itself as a more reflective, cerebral figure. Faced with any kind of tricky-situation situation, The Mill is far more likely to take a deep breath, kick back with the soothing sax sounds of Kenny G, strum a few Eagles tunes on its shiny white plastic-veneer acoustic guitar and settle down for a long evening in its moodily-lit kitchen conservatory accompanied by the motivational CD back catalogue of Dr Raj Persaud.
In this respect The Mill has a great deal in common with TV’s Glenn Hoddle who, according to this morning’s Mirror, is being sensationally lined up by West Ham to replace tearful touchline ewok Gianfranco Zola: “Hammers owners David Sullivan and David Gold have put the former England boss at the top of their wish list for the SoS call if they decide to dump Zola.”
Hoddle is available. He’s already being described as an “‘impact’ appointment”.
Also in The Mirror Tony Pulis is waving a bottle of Jacobs Creek and some petrol station daffs about and offering Jamie O’Hara “a fresh start”. O’Hara could be available for £4m after falling out with Harry Redknapp.
Hamburg midfielder Piotr Trochowski believes he is “not really valued” by coach Bruno Labbadia, who used to play the piano in Fame. Rangers goal-hanger Kris Boyd says he would be a success in the Premier League. Birmingham, Blackburn, Wigan and Hull might be interested. “I’ve confidence in my own ability and believe I’d score goals at the highest level,” he said, implying, very subtly, that doing Kilmarnock four times a season might not actually be “the highest level”.
In the Sun, Loic Remy of Nice is going down the Marouane Chamakh path and “urging” Arsenal to spend £11m on him. “Arsenal are the club I want to join. I won’t deny they are my priority,” he said yesterday, not denying something that only he, Loic Remy of Nice, is actually bringing up in the first place. “I spoke with Thierry about them and asked him lots of questions about life there. I was not disappointed with what he told me,” Remy added, simultaneously putting his hand in a fire because Thierry Henry also told him to do that.
In the manner of Cheryl Cole seeking solace in the arms of that Black Eyed Peas bloke, Alex McLeish is “ready to turn to Kasper Schmeichel” if he fails to sign Joe Hart for another season. Man City are in talks with Grenoble’s Sofiane Feghouli. Valencia are also sniffing about. Palermo want to sign Blackburn wing disappointment Morten Gamst Pedersen, with journeymanaroo Marc Bresciano heading in the other direction. And Neil Warnock has been handed a £10m war chest. The Mill can only hope he doesn’t drop it on his toe or overbalance and accidentally hurl it through his front room window while he’s trying to get his keys out of his pocket.
In the Daily Mail, Franck Ribéry has “delivered a crushing snub to Chelsea“, perhaps with the help of a motorcycle courier who simply grunts at you from beneath his helmet and calls you “boss” in a way that suggests you’re not actually his boss at all. Ribéry says he wants to go to Spain if he ever leaves Germany.
“My wife is from the south, she needs sun. Here it rains and even snows. But it doesn’t mean that we don’t feel good in Munich,” he lied from inside his heavy tog balaclava helmet.
Inter Milan still want Cesc Fábregas and have come up with the idea of offering galloping oddball Mario Balotelli in part exchange. Fábregas’s people have already said no. Inter might just go for Steven Gerrard instead.
José Mourinho wants £10m a year after tax, a set of business cards, an orthopaedic chair and a really big Parmesan cheese in return for managing Real Madrid. Roberto Mancini is “interested in” Palermo striker Edinson Cavani, who might cost as much as £25m. City are also after prancing tight-shirted Roma centre-half Philippe Mexes, but will miss out on Mathieu Flamini, who was really good at left-back for about six months four years ago. Flamini wants to stay at AC Milan. “I’m counting on imposing myself, at this moment I’m in full possession of my abilities,” he said, flexing his neck muscles and adopting a frightening strongman pose.
On Goal.com Paulo Ferreira wants to carry on occasionally appearing in the Carling Cup or minor Premier League home matches until he’s allowed to stop and spend the rest of his life having lunch in semi-rural hotel golf retreats. “I have a deal with Chelsea that runs until 2013 and my idea is to see that out and to then leave football,” he told Maisfutebol, making it sound like he’s doing something really decent and honourable.
Pier Silvio Berlusconi says Milan won’t sign Mario Balotelli. His dad, Silvio Berlusconi previously told a noisy and largely insensible Italian TV station staffed by blousy and glamorous suntanned women: “Balotelli has the face of a Milanista”. And Gigi Buffon’s agent says he’s not for sale. “For once and for all, Buffon is staying at Juventus,” Silvano Martina told Tuttomercatoweb.com, calling Buffon “Buffon” for no other reason than it’s a fun word to say. Buffon has also been linked with Manchester City, Manchester United and Bayern Munich. But Buffon is happy in Turin. Buffon isn’t going anywhere. Buffon is fine. Buffon.
West Ham UnitedPremier LeagueTottenham HotspurStoke CityArsenalBarney Ronayguardian.co.uk
