Pre-season fixtures for the Premier League teams ahead of the 2010-11 season

Arsenal

17 July v Barnet (A) 3pm

21 July v Sturm Graz (A) 6pm

27 July v SC Neusiedl 1919 (A) 6pm

31 July v Milan (H, Emirates Cup) 4.20pm

1 August v Celtic (H, Emirates Cup) 4.20pm

7 August v Legia Warsaw (A) 3pm

Aston Villa

24 July v Bohemians (A) 3pm

27 July v Walsall (A) 7.45pm

31 July v Feyenoord (A) 9.15pm

1 August v Benfica (A) 9.15pm

6 August v Valencia (H) 7.45pm

Birmingham City

18 July v Hong Kong League Selection Team (A) 3pm

21 July v Beijing Guoan FC (A) 7.30pm

24 July v Liaoning Hongyun Football Club (A) 8pm

31 July v Derby County (A) 3pm

3 August v MK Dons (A) 7.30pm

7 August v Real Mallorca (H) 3pm

Blackburn Rovers

10 July v Sturm Graz (A) 5pm

17 July v Fleetwood Town (A) 3pm

20 July v Preston North End (A) 7.45pm

21 July v Huddersfield Town (A) 7.45pm

25 July v Rangers (N, Sydney Festival of Football) 3pm

28 July v AEK Aens (N, Sydney Festival of Football) 6pm

31 July v Sydney FC (A, Sydney Festival of Football) 7.15pm

7 August v Hearts (A) 3pm

Blackpool

16 July v Tiverton Town (A) 7.30pm

20 July v Accrington Stanley (A) 7.30pm

22 July v Kilmarnock (A) 8pm

27 July v Crewe Alexandra (A) 7.30pm

31 July v Bristol City (A) 3pm

Bolton Wanderers

14 July v Charlotte Eagles (A) TBC

17 July v Charleon Battery (A) TBC

17 July v Bamber Bridge (A) 3pm

21 July v Toronto FC (A) TBC

23 July v Chorley (A) 7.30pm

24 July v Rochdale (A) 3pm

27 July v Curzon Ashton (A) 7.45pm

28 July v Morecambe (A) 7.45pm

30 July v Fleetwood Town (A) 7.45pm

31 July v Falkirk (A) 3pm

2 August v Johnstone (A) 7.45pm

4 August v AFC Fylde (A) 7.45pm

6 August v Osasuna (H) TBC

7 August v Barrow (A) 3pm

Chelsea

17 July v Crystal Palace (A) 3pm

23 July v Ajax (A) 8pm

1 August v Eintracht Frankfurt (A) 3pm

4 August v Hamburg (A) 8pm

Everton

10 July v Sydney FC (A) 7.30pm

14 July v Melbourne Heart (A) 7.30pm

17 July v Brisbane Roar (A) 7.30pm

24 July v Preston North End (A) 3pm

31 July v Norwich City (A) 3pm

4 August v Everton Chile (H) 8pm

7 August v Wolfsburg (A) 4pm

Fulham

14 July v Brentford (A) 8pm

17 July v Bournemouth (A) 3pm

31 July v Portsmouth (A) 3pm

Liverpool

17 July v Al Hilal (A) 6pm

21 July v Grasshopper (A) 6.30pm

24 July v Kaiserslautern (A) TBC

1 August v Borussia Mönchengladbach (A) 1.30pm

Manchester City

23rd July v Sporting Lisbon (A, New York Football Challenge) 8pm

25 July v New York Red Bulls (A, New York Football Challenge) 3pm

28 July v Club America (A) 8pm

31 July v Internazionale (A) 8pm

4 August v Borussia Dortmund (A) 8pm

Manchester United

16 July v Celtic (N) TBC

21 July v Philadelphia Union (A) 7.30pm

25 July v Kansas City Wizards (A) 5pm

28 July v MLS All-Stars (N) 6pm

4 August v League of Ireland XI (N) TBC

Newcastle United

17 July v Carlisle United (A) TBC

24 July v Norwich City (A) 3pm

31 July v PSV Eindhoven (H) TBC

7 August v Rangers (A) TBC

Stoke City

22 July v Nantwich Town (A) 7pm

22 July v Notts County (A) 7.45pm

24 July v Newcastle Town (A) 2.30pm

27 July v Derby County (A) 7.45pm

31 July v Burnley (H) 3pm

3 August v Bristol Rovers (A) 7.45pm

6 August v Wrexham (A) 7.45pm

Sunderland

17 July v Darlington (A) 3pm

Tottenham Hotspur

10 July v Bournemouth (A) 3pm

17 July v San Jose Earquakes (A) TBC

29 July v Villarreal (H) 8pm

3 August v Benfica (A) 7.45pm

7 August v Fiorentina (H) 3pm

West Bromwich Albion

20 July v Crewe Alexandra (A) 7.30pm

24 July v Bristol Rovers (A) 3pm

West Ham United

24 July v Burton Albion (A) 3pm

Wigan Athletic

20 July v Oldham (A) 7.45pm

4 August v Real Zaragoza (H) 7.45pm

8 August v Dundee United (A) 3pm

Wolverhampton Wanderers

17 July v Bohemians (A) 3pm

20 July v Walsall (A) 7.45pm

24 July v Charleroi (A) TBC

27 July v Reading (A) 8pm

30 July v Cheltenham Town (A) 7.45pm

31 July v Leeds United (A) 3pm

3 August v Hearts (A) 7pm

7 August v Athletic Bilbao (H) 3pm

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Today’s Mill has its head in the clouds

Some years ago research carried out by unlicensed Chinese neurologists on a sample group of 5,000 men with internet access and a large comic book collection that they keep in little plastic sleeves and occasionally brood over concluded that, when most people picture The Mill, the image that springs into their mind is either:

(a) a pleasantly shuttered, Flemish-style clapboard and oak-beamed structure on a slight incline, set against a cloudless sky in fine, rolling countryside which, pushing open its heavy front door, turns out to be operated entirely by very small, frightening pig-faced men; or

(b) an overheated strobe-lit basement down a narrow hidden staircase that smells overpoweringly of meat and where the door seems to vanish as soon as it slams shut behind you and a peculiar gurgling, thrashing, chugging noise is coming from inside a studded, leather-upholstered ante-room and something is suddenly moving in the corner of your eye before, all at once, everything goes dark.

Which is strange, because in the Mill’s own mind it is a beautiful place that exists in the sky, perhaps in the first-class section of a prestigious aeroplane. A place where a smiling teenage Brazilian is constantly going somewhere, perpetually excited, always linked, continually a whizz, a picture only partially clouded by the lingering stench of something that might be, and then might not be, Harry Redknapp’s distinctive gentleman’s cologne.

Which is, by coincidence, pretty much exactly what’s going on in this morning’s Daily Mirror. There’s a picture of the Internacional starlet Sandro Ranieri (which is Portuguese for “Sandra Redknapp”) preparing himself for his £6m summer move to Tottenham by reading an English dictionary.

“I need to be prepared for my new challenge in Europe,” he said, spending 20 minutes frowning over the word “aardvark”.

West Ham are planning a sensational triple swoop on Birmingham. Liam Ridgewell and Sebastian Larsson may be available on the cheap. Christian Benítez, who runs a lot and tries very hard but rarely scores goals, is available for £7m.

Roma are dead serious about signing the quivering Arsenal defensive diva William Gallas. Their sporting director Daniele Prade attempted to “thrash out” a deal after the victory over Porto.

Harry Redknapp is frantically trying to find a club in Belgium to loan his new Zambian left-back. Emmanuel Mbola has somehow signed for Spurs even though we’re not in the transfer window. “Spurs liked me a lot but there is contract confusion with my Armenian club and my agent,” Mbola shrugged yesterday, pretty much clearing all that up then. Celtic and Rangers both want Arsenal striker “Oh” Jay Simpson, currently on loan at QPR.

In the Daily Mail delicious pigs-ear-in-mushroom-pastry-parcel dish Wellington Silva is all set to sign for Arsenal, although Fluminense want to keep the 17-year-old, who has only just got into the first team, until 2012. Wellington has agreed a £3.5m move but can’t be registered until after his 18th birthday. “We are working on a way to make it happen,” emoted leg-warmered Fluminense vice-president Alcides Antunes, dancing on top of a car.

Chelsea have opened talks with Nicolas Anelka over paying him an extra £40,000 a year until 2013. Talks The Mill imagines will be over very quickly and simply involve him muttering the word “yes”. This means they have to get rid of increasingly peripheral ageing wing-jink prodigy Joe Cole.

In The Sun David Beckham “wore the green and gold” on his return to Old Trafford. “I did it as I’m a United fan, always will be,” he said, before stopping off in Hertfordshire and Essex on his way to the airport. Portsmouth have sacked 85 staff who have nothing to do with the club going bust. Peter Storrie is still being paid £10,000 a week.

And Sol Campbell, 49, is “chasing” an England recall, presumably very slowly in a pair of XXXL shorts, waggling his elbows about a lot before eventually falling over. “You never know. I might get a sniff if I keep on playing. Why not?” he asked, putting his hands over his ears and walking off before you can answer.

Surprisingly good American Landon Donovan will play his final game for Everton on Saturday. LA Galaxy’s manager, Bruce Arena, who either does everything in US football, or is one of several men also called “Bruce Arena”, said: “Landon will be back on March 15.” Just like that. Not March the 15th. “March 15.”

And on Goal.com The Houston Dynamo have signed Francisco Navas Cobo from the Dynamo Academy. A man called James Clarkson, who presumably has both long, girly hair and horrible baggy stone-washed jeans said: “To have a successful Academy, you need talent and opportunity. In Francisco Navas Cobo, we have talent, and through Dominic Kinnear’s vision and support of the Dynamo Academy, we’ve been able to provide opportunity to Francisco and the other young men in our development system.”

Which The Mill has now written on its hand and will be repeating like a personal mantra as it attempts to struggle tearfully through the rest of the day.

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